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Except from “Bostopia: A Guide”
Part 3: Travel.
Simplistic enough in it's design, isn't it? Tells you where you are, and what side of the road to drive on. In the language of Bostopia. If you don't speak it, the sign says, tough. What's even more tough is that the sign is about three quarters of a mile down the road from the border posts. Still, if you've made it that far on the wrong side of the road without being hit by an oncoming lorry, tank, or whatever else may be racing toward the border, you're probably exceeding the speed limit as well - if you're a foreigner.
Bostopians will know that the speed-limit on this particular dual-carriageway is 70mph. Foreigners, however, will find that the speed limit is generally rounded down from their speed to 60 if their speed is above, say, 65, and if their speed is 65 or below, the speed limit is rounded down slightly more to 50. This is how it works; you're travelling down the road, wondering why there's a stream of traffic going in the same direction as you on the other side of those metal barriers, trying to figure out where the heck you are – not having gotten to the sign yet – and, inevitably, speeding. At this point, one of Bostopia's friendly Police Officers from the local constabulary turns on the blues-and-twos, and pulls you over to the side of the road.
He – suppose we'd better say “or she”, it looks good on the reports.
He or she will politely batter on your window with their truncheon, and ask you in a pleasant manner to get out of your dirty, foreign-made vehicle and come sit in the back of their police car for “a little chat”. While this is happening, a journalist from the Daily Mail will take photos of foreigners scaring Bostopian babies and young children (don't worry, the photos will be edited later) and the other Police Officer in the car will steal your air freshener, take a hat-full of sweets from the glove-box and steal any CDs he – or she – finds. Unless it's some sort of foreign folk-music, which will be simply frisbee'ed onto the road into the path of an oncoming tank.
You'll come out of the officer's car with a pleasant warning that his – or her – truncheon will find itself a new holster if you're caught speeding again on the wrong side of the road (unless you were lucky in the 50/50 decision and were just speeding), and perhaps even a fine of B£10. Oh, who are we kidding? B£10.93, to ensure you have some change and know how to work currency with decimals in them. After about 20 miles, you'll be pulled over again for travelling too slowly, and the process will be repeated, but with a slightly angrier second Police Officer, who found you bereft of air fresheners, sweets and any decent CDs, which will be noted down by the journalist from the Daily Mail.
After this, however, you'll learn to stick to speeds which end in a 5, and have a healthy fear of the laws in Bostopia, which will henceforth be stuck to, thanks to the “Pocket-Sized Big Book of Bostopian Laws”, which you got off the helpful Police Officer in exchange for your DNA and fingerprints and is rather heavy, so it needs to be pushed in a wheelbarrow if you decided to take it out of your hotel room on a day-trip.
You don't HAVE a hotel room? You're staying with friends, relatives and/or acquaintances? Right, thanks for letting us know. We'll add them to the list.
---Paid for by the Bostopian Tourist Board---
This post has been edited by Bostopia on Mar 30 2009, 09:34 AM |
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