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Newly appointed Under-Secretary of Sport Ali Hirilashir held a press conference in conjunction with major FAWA executives this morning. Mr. Hirilashir announced, as expected, that Western Afghanistan's national team squad for the upcoming World Cup 35 qualifying would be coached by former Nine Columns striker and Ghavvasa manager Khuhekhezal Muhammad. Mr. Muhammad, who has been known throughout his career for his advocacy of a long passing style in a 3-5-2, is expected to rejuvenate the national team's ailing offensive prowess. A major addition to the squad is likely to be Ghavvasa's striker Iqu Afi, who has been panned from national team selections in the past because of his small size. However, under Muhammad, Afi proved himself to be a lightning fast threat along the right flank, and then flourished at striker after being moved to the center of the offense. Afi's presence, in conjuction with last year's APL scoring king Assef Rushufi and unquestioned Most Valuable Player, is sure to generate some exciting action on the pitch in the near future.
Mardom Yek and national team captain Khilen Fahifa was at the press conference to add expressions of solidarity with his new coach.
"Ghavvasa have always given me problems between the sticks under the guidance of Khuhekhezal Muhammad. I couldn't be happier to have him as my manager for the national team, particularly because I won't have to run up against him in league play anymore," the goalkeeper joked.
Because of Muhammad's time spent at Nine Columns, he is nationally and internationally recognized. Fans have unanimously approved the announcement, and expectations will be flying high in the coming weeks. |
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The beginning of the Afghan Premier League season has been delayed. Many fans have expressed anger, disbelief, and rabid rage at the inactivity of their beloved 'Fated Eight' to emerge onto Herat's sunny, green pitches. An anonymous fan, who only wished to be identified as 'Ahmed' even went to the extreme of tossing a homemade Bazalope tooth grenade into FAWA Headquarters, severely injuring seven employees and intensely irritating a cage full of hungry lions which were to be used for the half time show at Nine Columns Athletic's opening match. Bazalonian officials have expressly denied any involvement in the building, sale, or usage of the grenade.
Lion trainer Ali Khalid Muhammad spoke with reporters after the event:
"Yeah, those lions really hate it when Bazalope teeth get propelled at them at high velocities. It's happened several times, mostly because any time Chairman Dukhirahiq shows up for an administrative banquet he thinks it's funny to chuck small portions of his Bazalope teeth collection at them. Well he may laugh his ass off, but after Simba stops lividly roaring at the top of his lungs he cries for days. Lion taming isn't all protective armor and rings of fire: it's hard work and it takes a massive emotional toll on all of us. Especially Simba. He's struggled with moderate depression ever since his father died, and he just can't seem to find a medication that works."
An interview with Simba the Lion reportedly did not reveal much more:
"So, Simba, are you a big Nine Columns fan?"
"Roaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh!"
Reportedly, the season opener delay is due to a week-long 24 hour a day Everyone Loves Raymond marathon being undertaken by several members of the Council of Ten, including Prime Minister Dukhirahiq. Consequently, at the behest of the highest panel in the nation, the season will be pushed back indefinitely. In fact, several episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond have reportedly been skipping due to some scratching, so the marathoners have been forced to repeatedly eject the disc, rub it against fabric and try again. |
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