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Here then, presented by the Ministry of Information, and not a couple of punk kids on the interweb, is our factbook:
Neo Lemmitania is a beautiful country of sparkling tree stumps and gurglingly foetid green waters, infested with cuddly verminous lemmings and ruinous Socialism. Its backwards, intelligent population of several million live off the handouts of the impoverished government, doing little work and producing not much in the way of national product, gross or net, and nothing worth exporting beyond verminous lemmings (and, should anyone want it, ruinous Socialism). It is best known for being a blight in the northeastern corner of Audioslavia Island, where it brings down the property values of hard-working Audioslavians who would much rather be conjoined to, oh, I don’t know, Belgium, or somebody dead.
It does have several cities, chief among them the capitol, Lemmington, where the seat of government is ensconced in a glass dome where the optimistic hope it will do a little less damage. With a population of two million and a murder rate of seventeen per thousand, Lemmington is perhaps the most dangerous national capitol on Audioslavia Island, and not a place sane people would take their children, or live.
Secondary cities of note include nowhere, but other large municipalities are Loston (home of the Lemming Teat Party, in which turn-of-the-eighteenth-century revolutionaries nursed fresh lemmingmilk in Loston bay before hurling eighteen thousand casks of said lemmings into the bay in protest of ‘Socialist Taxation’), Lemmsylvania (the City of ‘Brotherly’ Love, home of the nineteenth-century gay rights movement and first locale in Neo Lemmitania to recognize marriage), and Lemmopolis (defended from evil by the mysterious red-and-blue-clad impervious flying alien known only as Lemmingman, generally acknowleged to be a figment of Lemmopolis’ collective imagination). Other places worth mentioning don’t exist, but we’ll humor Lemco City, heart of the Lowlands and Neo Lemmitania’s self-proclaimed “South Coast” (for its location on the shore of Lake Eerie, across which is more Audioslavia), Lemvoola (the only other town in the Southern Lowlands with more than ten thousand residents, on the banks of the mighty Brown River), Limmsburgh (the “Three River City”, founded at the crossing of the Lemongahela, Lemhio, Lemaghenny, and Whoosits rivers by stupid settlers who couldn’t count to four), Lemumbus, in the centre of the flatlands, with nothing to recommend it but assloads of flatness in every direction*, and the Cities of the Western Borderlands: San Lemgeles, founded in a ditch at the bottom of a dry lakebed under a sea of smog in a hot freaking desert, known as the Place Dumb People Go To Die; Lemmingville, thirty kilometers north of San Lemgeles and in the heart of rainforest country, home of the Wrinkled Prunes; and Lemsas City, in the heartland of the breadbasket of the nation, home of the great lemmingplains where the lemmings are harvested, shucked, ground, milled, fermented, doused, and brassified.
The government of Neo Lemmitania is a highly dysfunctional socialist republic made up of a mix of devious bastards clever enough to get themselves elected, and stupid idiots too dumb to avoid getting themselves elected. It makes for a volatile mix, and the constant dripping at the spigot of legislation is a testament to their ineffectual attention to matters of state. Recently-passed laws have called for a ban on lemming infestations in homes; a military buildup against the imaginary state of CoacoaPuffLand; and the eradication of the insidious letter D. Most citizens have become so politically apathetic that they can’t even be bothered to sign petitions to put candidates on the ballot; in the last three election cycles, nearly seventy percent of seats in parliament have gone without a single contestant. As a result most seats are now held by write-in candiadtes such as “YoMama,” “I.P Freely,” and “Miley Cyrus is hot!”
The Neo Lemmitanian economy is non-existent, for all intents and purposes. The only company of note is the Electric Lemming Corporation, producers of the LemmingDogger and the Homeradicator, among other fine products. Its annual revenues top seven figures (in neo-lemmings; the current exchange rate being 1 nl : .0165 euros) and the company has over a dozen employees. The largest manufacturing sector in Neo Lemmitania is mud, which is created by the impoverished population trudging through the unpaved, rainy streets (except in San Lemgeles, where they trudge across the burning, cracked earth). If any countries are in need of mud, they can contact the ministry of -explicitive removed- We Have Too Much Of to see about arranging an export deal.
All in all, Neo Lemmitania is a wonderful blight on the Atlantian Oceanian map, and we are certain our presence will be a welcome addition to the region.
*also tornadoes |
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