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An Open Door
Posted: Jan 4 2009, 09:01 PM
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Allenheim - Sure, it was a patch of dirt. But it was the stuff that dreams were made of. Sort of at least. The sort of dreams that don't include getting pounded into it, digging through it for truffles, or a whole lot of other things. No, this was the land that was to become the greatest city of the world. Maybe. If people came.

That was the real problem. No one was coming. President Koryatsky looked out the window of his tent, dressed all formally like a President lost in the middle of nowhere (perhaps he was). "Where are the people?" he asked himself. "Why aren't they bloody building anything? This is prime land for building! Right next to the sea! Next to everything! Why won't they come? This is our capital, for Pete's sake! Well, whoever Pete is..."

Looking at the domestic scene, there was little surprise. For one, t was stuck in the middle of Kowak territory, and there wasn't much that one could convince any normal Koryatsky man or woman to build anything worth squat on Kowak territory. And the fact that "other" tribes would be building their -explicitive removed- here didn't sit too well with the Kowak folk either. It's been a troubling political marriage that hasn't been more productive than previous administrations. They literally tried everything. "FREE LAND" only brought poor people with nothing else to do. "FREE FOOD" only brought only poor college students. They tried "FREE BEER" but ran out of beer before the people came. None of the gimmicks could get anyone to buy, build, or do anything in Allenheim. So it remained the stuff that dreams were supposed to be made out of, but not. But how to make a dream out of something without anyone to make that dream a reality?

Prime Ministerer Kowak came into the tent, with a golf jacket and old knickerbockers adorning his figure. He was too tall for the tent and immediately lifted the whole structure off its foundations, letting in a brisky ocean breeze from all corners. "Would you sit?" the President said.

"Sorry, I forget that this tent is too small." Kowak sat abruptly and the tent came back to its foundations. "I do believe I have the solution to our problems."

"Which ones?"

"The one where no one is building anything."

"Ah, and what's that?"

"Outsourcing. It's a fine way to build a country."

"Outsourcing. As in, bring in foreigners to build your -explicitive removed-?"

"Absolutely. They don't have any quabbles with our people, and when we get tired of them, we'll have a reason to unite the whole country against them. End of problem."

"What if we get invaded?"

"Bah, we won't be invaded. There hasn't been an invasion in the past 24 hours."

"Oh... don't you think that's an awfully short time?"

"Compare that statistic to the average invasion every minute! This is best time of peace for the whole world."

Koryatsky nodded. He felt suspicious of Kowak's source of information, mostly because he was a Koryatsky and Kowak was - well... - a Kowak. But going beyond the tribal politics, he was the Prime Minister, and in some countries, that was a good thing. He wasn't particularly adept at this whole "govern the country" thing; no one was...

"So, you've invited people then?" Koryatsky asked.

"Better, I sent out a invitation to the world. Now, we'll see if anyone comes."

"Good." At that moment, Koryatsky wondered what exactly Kowak did send out. He certainly hoped it didn't look anything like this:

QUOTE
TO ALL NATIONS!

We are interested in forming new diplomatic relations and the establishment of economic and trade relations.  Would you like to come to our new town?  It's really nice and has a lot of neat things!

Prime Minister Wilyelm Zakaryy Kowak
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Posted: Jan 10 2009, 10:25 AM
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Allenheim - Koryatsky was still sitting in his dusted old tent on the open ground that should have been the new capital city of Allenheim. He looked at the map. There wasn't anything unappetizing about it. Fertile ground. Free ground at that... Open ground. Unpotentiated ground. Portentious ground. But in the end, it was still that - just ground. Koryatsky wanted to call in Kowak once more, but he didn't talk about his anxieties. Instead, Kowak came in uninvited and started talking about his anxieties for him.

"I think I've figured out why people aren't coming!" he yelled.

"This is a tent!" Koryatsky replied. "Why yell?"

"Well, I'm just really excited. I think we may have the solution."

"What is it, then?"

"No body is going to come to open ground."

"So?"

"We should build something! Our government here. When we build it, people will come and build their stuff next to our stuff."

"That doesn't make sense. We build for them? I thought they built for us?"

"Well, no body likes to do that. So we're going to have to do ourselves. But once we build it, other people will come and then we'll have city in no time!"

"That makes perfect sense," Koryatsky remarked, still disgusted with the idea of having to build his own city.

"Well, I think we should decide where we want to build this darned building." Kowak darted out of the tent suddenly.

"Is that important?" Koryatsky replied.

Kowak popped his head back in the tent. "Oh, it means everything."

This post has been edited by Allemenschen on Jan 10 2009, 10:26 AM
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Posted: Jan 13 2009, 10:49 AM
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Allenheim - Koryatsky was looking at this brand new government center - the Republican Palace, so they called it - and still gazed upon the rest of the open ground left uninhabited. Three days now, and this behemoth of a building was still the only building on the plot. Maybe Kowak didn't know what he was talking about... Maybe the land itself was just bad for building stuff upon it. Not so - the land was rocky and firm, not the loose sand of other areas of the country. It was the best place to build a new country! Oh, wait, it was the best place to build a new city! Heaven forbid, they'd actually try building a new country...

Kowak suddenly appeared beside Koryatsky. "I think I've figured out how to get people to live here."

"Well, considering your record, I'll need a second opinion."

"That's fine. I've brought my brother-in-law!"

"Greetings, Mr. President."

"Prime Minister, you don't have a brother-in-law..."

"I do now. MY sister just got married last week!"

Koryatsky shrugged his head. "Since when did you have a sister?"

"Two days ago."

Koryatsky shuttered. "You mean this man married your non-existent sister, who is probably still just a fetus?"

"Not a fetus - a machine!"

"Machine?"

Koryatsky examined the brother-in-law carefully, noting that he was indeed a anthropomorphic cybernetic individual, complete with advanced AI development, with subversive propaganda material hidden to keep them loyal to the state. Whatever that was...

"So your sister is an android?"

"If you insist. I say they're all people all the same! Just no flesh and bones. Look at my brother-in-law! He's picking his nose!"

"Umm, that was a sight that I wanted to see... mechanical boogers." Koryatsky got over the sight though, and proceeded to inquire about the state of "making up" a population. "After all, if people come to our country, they expect to see people. And not just androids, humans."

"Well, it's the only way we've been keeping up with our census reports, you know."

"What?"

"Well, you know how there are 5 million people in the country?"

"Yes..."

"Well, the current census says that there are over 20 million people now."

"That's impossible!!! Humans can't procreate that fast!"

Kowak calmly assured Koryatsky. "Well, machines can. And that's how we've been keeping up with the census reports."

"Wait... so we now have a population of androids greater than our human population? What if they rebel?"

"Rebel?" Kowak's brother-in-law replied. "Why would they do that?"

"They? Aren't you an android?"

"Android? Not me."

Koryatsky glanced at Kowak. "They're not self-aware?"

"Yet! Not self-aware yet! And until then, we'll be safe from them."

"What happens when they gain self-awareness?"

"We'll pray that they're nice..."
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Posted: Jan 27 2009, 07:28 PM
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Allenheim - President Koryatsky was looking at the newest news reel from the country's predominantly anthropomorphic android citizenry with some anticipated zeal, wondering what sort of wonders they were building for the people of Allemenschen. The headlines stunned him:

[Genetics Brings New Life to Extinct Species]

"WHAT THE %$#^ HELL?" he yelled at the top of his lungs. Prime Minister Kowak rushed to the room, wondering what the ruckus was all about.

"What's wrong? Not enough toilet paper again?"

"For the bazillionth time, Kowak! GET OUT OF MY %$#^ BATHROOM! Especially while I've giving a crapper."

"But you were yelling so loudly..."

"Doesn't mean that I want full-time maid service when I'm looking for privacy."

Kowak shrugged his shoulders and started to walk away. But Koryatsky wasn't done talking. "Hey, you're here now. What's this business about resurrecting the feather-bellied purple-stinging nellie? Are these androids crazy? We need to exterminate these creepy creatures! Not make more of them!"

"Well, actually, the common citizenry think of purple-stinging nellies as kind and lovable pets. Resurrecting a long distant relative..."

"Wait, what did you just say?" Koryatsky asked a bit ticked.

"Resurrecting a long distant relative?"

"No, before that."

"Well, actually..."

"After that."

"... purple-stinging nellies as kind and lovable pets?"

"Yes, that."

"Yes. People do think of them as kind and lovable pets. My daughter has one."

At that, Koryatsky shrieked. "PETS?!?"

"Yes. Well, they're mostly docile, and when you look at them, you just want to cuddle them and kiss them. They're like little babies..."

"I'd rather smoosh them and RAWRCRUSH them into goblets of nothingness. They're creepy and nasty and disgusting and ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THERE'S ONE ON MY LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

At that, Koryatsky started running out of the bathroom (half naked...) and ran around the government offices like a wild maniac on drugs. The androids at the office dismissed him as a stupid look-alike; the human staffers shrugged and went along with their work; and Kowak was chasing Koryatsky with a fly swatter and toilet paper. Yes, it was another day at work...
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Posted: Jan 30 2009, 04:43 PM
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Allenheim - President Koryatsky, having survived his close encounter a purple-stinging nellie, was back in the office with the Cabinet. The object of discussion was also the most recent headline...

[When Purple-Stinging Nellies Attack!]

"It's apparent to me that purple-stinging nellies are a grave threat to the people of Allemenschen!" Koryatsky said. "It is therefore my imperative that we should begin a program to eradicate the pestilence as soon as possible."

Kowak was a bit uneasy with the news. "You are aware that purple-stinging nellies are the national animal of Allemenschen?"

"So what?" Koryatsky retorted. "They're a big pest and they're creepy and crawl all over the place."

"I don't think that there's any evidence that purple-stinging nellies actually hurt people."

"On the contrary!" shouted a loud android, entering the room, "I present to you evidence that purple-stinging nellies do in fact hurt things!"

The Cabinet gasped in awe. Koryatsky sat down, letting the android take the floor. "I am #4567, and I am an animal controls operational specialist. I have been studying purple-stinging nellies for the past 1500 years, and dI have just now discovered that purple-stinging nellies do in fact attack these creatures."

With that, 4567 brought out a plastic tank with a purple-stinging nellie inside. Koryatsky immediately cringed at the sight of the creature. But 4567 assured him, "It's alright, it's safe. I have it contained." 4567 then proceeded to explain how the purple-stinging nellie was a violent threat. "Purple-stinging nellies attack the blue-stinging nellie, and use the blue stinging-nellie as their primary source of food. As we all know, blue-stinging nellies are increasingly rare, mostly because the green-, the orange-, and the purple-stinging nellies all eat them. But right here is tetxtbook evidence of purple-stinging nellie eating its victim alive."

The Cabinet gazed into the plastic box. There sat a lackadaisical purple-stinging nellie, sucking on the dead remains of a blue-stinging nellie.

"Um, the blue-stinging nellie is already dead..." Kowak remarked.

"Well, of course it is!" 4567 replied. "The purple one is eating it! Can't you see? It's eating the blue while it's alive."

"Are you saying that the purple-stinging nellie eats its prey while it is alive?"

"Yes!" 4567 replied ecstatically. "Isn't it surprising? I wonder what they do when they're dead."

At that, Koryatsky fainted and fell to the floor. Kowak, undaunted, asked further, "Are you aware that most things eat while they're alive?"

4567 wanted to reply, but couldn't give a just response. Instead, it cried in joy, "EUREKA! I'VE SOLVED THE MYSTERY!" And at that, the android hopped out of the room. That left the Cabinet very confused with its head lying faint on the floor. Kowak decided to pull in the reins. "Lunch anyone?"

This post has been edited by Allemenschen on Jan 30 2009, 04:43 PM
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Posted: Feb 4 2009, 02:36 PM
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Allenheim - President Koryatsky was running about the Republican Palace. Again. PM Kowak was busily trying to calm him down, after an apparent nightmarish outburst of dreams frightened him once more (and why was he elected President, we'll never know). It was a brick wall of all things that stopped the President dead in his tracks. Android 7683 - Brick Wall Builder - was more than happy to oblige.

"Thank you, 7683," Kowak said.

"No problems, Prime Minister." 7683 started walking away while Kowak had a number of security androids drag Koryatsky to the Cabinet room. There, the Cabinet was waiting.

"I've been waiting all day!" the Cabinet said. "You're going to miss your 5-11. Come aboard, I'll fly you there!"

Kowak shushed the Cabinet. "I think Marek was telling the truth when he said you weren't a helicopter." Suddenly, a frying pan found his head.

"I am the greatest helicopter that ever lived!"

"Well, helicopters don't live, so that's your problem."

Koryatsky came to himself at that time, and started to stand up to a daze glare.

"Are you alright, President?" Kowak then said. "You were running around crazily, so we had to stop you."

"The Hyppos are coming!" Koryatsky then yelled, running out on full burst again.

"Hippos?" Kowak wondered. He started to chase the President again. Koryatsky, all the while, continued yelling frantically, "The Hyppos are coming!!!" People coming to work largely ignored it; today was going to be a beautiful day.
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Posted: Feb 10 2009, 12:10 PM
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Allenheim - President Koryatsky, unlike his normal self, called together the Cabinet for a discussion on the latest headlines in Allenmenschen, namely involving his long-old nemesis.

[Plague Of The Hybrids!]

"This unholy union should have never even occurred in the first place!" Koryatsky blasted to his Cabinet members. "The purple-stinging nellie is a plague to this country, and we must begin to great eradication of their kind, before more unholy unions occur. Who knows? Maybe the purple-stinging nellie will come to breed with hawks, or tigers, or woolly mammoths..."

"Ummm, woolly mammoths are extinct, Mr. President."

"Who gives a damn?"

Some random n00b in the back yelled, "I do!"

"Well, besides the random n00b in the back, who gives a damn?"

The crickets began to chirp.

"Okay, besides the random n00b in the back and the crickets in the room, who gives a damn?"

"I do!" yelled the Cabinet, flinging another pot at Koryatsky. "It's been three weeks, and you still haven't sent me to the shop to fix my propeller blades!"

"I would if you had any propeller blades... and people! The correct answer is 'No, I don't give a damn.' Please, repeat after me! 'No, I don't give a damn!'"

Koryatsky found himself the only person chanting that last remark.

"Alright, so woolly mammoths are extinct, but the purple-stinging nellie is not. So we've got make them extinct."

Kowak shook his head. "But the purple-stinging nellie is our national animal. We can't just make it go extinct."

"Wait, what did you just say?"

"We can't just make it go extinct?"

"No, before that."

"But the purple-stinging nellie is our national animal?"

"Yes, that! Who the %$#^ made that vermin our national animal?"

"We did. On our very first vote. We were asking for national animal nominations, and then you suddenly shouted 'PURPLE-STINGING NELLIE!' and left the room. We voted, and the purple-stinging nellie became our national animal."

"Hmm... I don't remember that part of the nation-building process... Nonetheless, the scourge of the purple-stinging nellie remains, and if it means removing the purple-stinging nellie as our national animal, then so be it!"

"Well, if the purple-stinging nellie is no longer our national animal, what animal will be our national animal?"

At that, a purple-stinging nellie crawled up Koryatsky's leg, to which Koryatsky suddenly and inexplicably started to yell, "PURPLE-STINGING NELLIE!!!" and left the room just as suddenly.

"I think this is how it happened the last time," Kowak remarked.
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Posted: Jun 30 2009, 04:08 AM
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Star said I should try to bump threads if I had an idea.


The Black Hunter sailed into the port of Allenheim. Well to be more accurate, the ship sailed to approximately where they thought Allenheim would be, and didn't see anything except a rocky shore and a pair of old school quays that wouldn't have looked out of place in Black Tide a couple of hundred years ago when most of the crew's ancestors sailed over from parts unknown. Double checking the notes that had started Aquaculture Arroza's interest in this country.

QUOTE

TO ALL NATIONS!

We are interested in forming new diplomatic relations and the establishment of economic and trade relations.  Would you like to come to our new town?  It's really nice and has a lot of neat things!

Prime Minister Wilyelm Zakaryy Kowak


“Where's the nice part of the city, with the nice things?” asked the ship's pilot?

The diplomatic envoy looked back from staring at the shoreline. “I don't know. Maybe the nellies did them in. Maybe they all moved to get away from this crazy place. Maybe they all just decided to move inland. There's no telling how bad storms could get around here. Maybe that robot coming towards us is one of them. Either way, the GPS confirms that this is in fact the Port of Allenheim so we should figure out where to park and get to work.”

“What is our work exactly?”

“We're supposed to establish relations with anyone left in the Republican Palace...that should be about a 3 mile walk inland. Maybe set up an informal embassy type thingy, with the heavy lifting to be done later, you know we build a fancy building here, they build one in Atalanta. And the real mission, their President asked if we could do anything about the Purple-Stinging Nellie issue. Hence the platoon of biologists and chefs. We're going to see if these things be be domesticated and live underwater. If so, then we need to see if we can make them tasty. Then we build a port, take all the nellies. Then question mark, question mark, question mark, profit.”

With that said, the boat pulled up to the dock where the robot was signaling it in. Ropes were thrown and tied. The envoy dropped down to the shore to get stung by a feather-bellied nellie, and fall over clutching his ankle in pain.

“This is going to be a longer mission than we all expected.”
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